Forgive to Forget

I forgive you…

For all those nights you left me alone and went out drinking;

For the time you kissed that girl because you “didn’t know what you were thinking”;

For those nights I cried alone while you were sleeping;

For the hundreds of times you lied, didn’t call, didn’t write;

And for the time you ran away to hide.

I forgive you…

For the time you hit me, flung me, kicked me, insulted everything that was me;

For the other time you kissed that other girl when I wasn’t around;

For letting me board the plane, come back home, and face the storm alone;

For not having my back when I needed you most;

For not being here when I gave birth;

And for disappearing so quickly into the night like a ghost

You’re that one that is missing out,

Not knowing what your daughter is about.

You don’t have her light in your darkness,

Nor her hugs and her love for your loneliness.

You don’t have her in your life

And you sure as hell don’t have me as your wife.

But I forgive you. It’s the only way I can forget you.

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Forgive to Forget II

My Darling, forgive me…

For the nights you heard me cry, before you were born;

For the times I cried with you in my arms, 

Having my heart and soul completely torn;

For not giving you a normal family;

For not always having you beside me

Forgive me…

For the times I lose my head, I should just stop and hug you instead;

For not always having the money on hand

To get you a doll, an ice cream or that magic wand;

For the nights and days Mommy has to be away,

But Baby Girl we got bills to pay.

I want you to have everything you deserve.

Walking together our lessons we’ll learn, we’ll never be alone.

I’m with you every step, every turn.

Know that I love you,

And that we’re free of the thorn.

You are my rainbow after the storm.

© Kathya J. Castañeda

I Am That I Am

What’s so wrong with standing out in the crowd

Wearing green when everyone else is in brown,

Being down low when everyone is off the ground

Taking the left side when the others are on the right

What’s so wrong with putting up a fight

When the others stand back, out of sight

What’s so wrong with speaking my mind, being in the light

Singing out loud, out of tune

Dancing in the street and speaking to the moon

What’s so wrong with me wearing my heart on my sleeve

Knowing someday you might pick-up and leave

If you take some of my love, I won’t call you a thief

Just don’t be surprised if your departure is my relief

What’s so wrong with being unique

So what if I don’t shop at a boutique

What’s so wrong with working the fields

The rice and corn and cane and beans

Blistering my feet, getting stung by bees

Working in the world of the forgotten

Working side by side by them

What’s so wrong with looking you in the eye

And seeing if your words are nothing but lies

What’s so wrong with my feminine side

Do you think I’m weak, that I’ll run and hide?

I am that I am!

My strength is mine!

It’s been challenged sometimes

It’s been built with time!

What’s so wrong with me bearing my load

Walking barefoot on this road

I’m not alone!

Because I am that I am

Don’t need anything else

Just put me to the test!

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Forgotten Memory

In these recent days I’ve bumped into the memory of you

It haunted me but then I knew

That there was only one thing that I could do

That there was only one way out

So I informed Mr. Memory what the forgetting process is all about

He looked at me bewildered and surprised

Not noticing the pain in my eyes.

I took a deep breath, got my thoughts reorganized

Then asked him to just walk towards the white light

Disappear from sight

And to run quickly into the back of my mind

See, that’s where I keep some of my memories hidden from life

The darkness stifles them and sends them to oblivion

So I could forget the damage that you’ve done

And if I push this memory all the way to the back

I’ll eventually question its existence and it will no longer be a fact

I can then pretend that you never happened

And my mended heart will never again be saddened.

Now, if Mr. Memory must step back into my conscious mind

Just let him be prepared to surrender.

He’ll be tied to an anchor, tight

And then thrown into the open seas of a forgetful mind

Where memories sink, they drown and die

Never again to see the open skies

So just tell the memory of you

To do us all a favor and become obscure

Anyway, it’s been good talking to you again

It’s just too bad that the memory of you is walking down

“Forgotten Memory Lane”

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Night Walker

That night you went over to her house

Thinking she would be meek as a mouse

You might have discovered

That there is so much more to her

Her heart pounded as she heard you at the gate

The neighbor saw you and must have wondered

What you were doing out so late.

And then there you were,

Standing right in front of her,

That surprise kiss after the brief hello,

Made all her inhibitions fall to the floor

That night entwined in each other’s arms

She didn’t feel cold and nothing could do her harm

You provided love and care and attention

Distracted her mind and relieved her tension

You love her body, like no one had done before

You touched her deep in her soul, in her core

With her philosophy, melodrama and fun

She’s worth a lifetime and then some

So don’t play games with her heart

Because she may love foolishly, but her departures are smart.

Although not much might come after that encounter

Just know that on those lonely nights you’ll wish you could be with her

She’ll care for you the only way she knows how

From a distance, and not necessarily in the same house

But if you must love her then do it right

Don’t go around sneaking in the night.

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Mother Knows

I would be a pillar of strength and source of wisdom

I would know that things won’t always go my way

And that tomorrow is another day

I would know that life is beautiful

Despite the tears and broken hearts

If I only knew what my Mother knows

I would know that things happen for a reason

And that most men will come and go

But that the one worth my time will hang around.

I would know that I should be loved for what I believe in

And not for how good I look on top of the sheets or in between

If I only knew what my Mother knows

I would know that my hands and my mind are good tools

And that a good education is important

But that a person without a caring heart is just a fool

I would know that hard work doesn’t always pay off

But that it pays the bills and buys some food.

If I only knew what my Mother knows.

I would know that family is always a priority

Coming before any deadlines or staff parties

I would know that my child’s happiness

isn’t based on toys, trips and games

But that a loving hug can actually erase all pain

If I only knew what my Mother knows

I would know that my life is exciting and interesting

That I should strive to build self-worth

I would know that heartache really hurts

And that the best cure is a prayer, a makeover, and a girl’s night out

And that any battle we fight is won over with love

If I only knew what my Mother knows

I would probably have no reason to shed a tear

Nor feel sad, nor even dare

The things I need to know

I’ve learnt because I’ve been shown

Yet I’m still learning some stuff on my own

Because I don’t know everything that my Mother knows

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Vacancy

Anytime someone leaves

I get the wind hammered out of me

Weeping, clutching, barely breathing

I fall to my knees

What happened this time?

What went wrong?

Was it because you had to wait too long?

Whatever it is, I’ve been doing it wrong for far too long!

I don’t get many answers to my questions

I don’t get much time to even mention

That I have a great task heading my direction

Trying to explain to a 5 year old the cause of your evaporation

What do I say to her to try to explain

That mommy will cry but will soon be good again

How do I tell her that you weren’t enough

Not loving, patient nor emotionally buff

Gosh it’s all we’ve ever known

Being left behind like an empty throne

A kingdom with no king, left confused and alone

We ponder, analyze, and wait by the phone

Will he call? Will he write?

Will he come around tonight?

No, so I guess the vacancy still stands

Wanted: a loving husband and devoted dad

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Best Seller

You’re the best book ever written

Won’t put you down

Don’t want you to end

Won’t lend you out to a friend

Will lick my finger to turn your pages

Will stay up all night to read your lines

Will savor every word, will take my time

Touch

Feel

Weep

Fall into you

As you go, deeper

Rise and fall

Read you, keep me intrigued

Run a finger down your spine

Flip you upside down

Love the view

Have never seen this side of you

Didn’t know you could be like this

With your stories, tell of love and fear

Inspires laughter and some tears

Talk

Whisper

Tell

Hear you loudly

As you yell, louder

Awake me

Read you, keep me seduced.

© Kathya J. Castañeda

Rebel Love

…and I sigh

every night

when I

can’t look

into your eyes

and see the truth

that lies

within you

break forth

lemme see your worth

to love and give birth

to new life

rising from the dirt

become one

come last, be first

till all is left undone

when we start

step out of the dark

won’t miss a mark

won’t miss a beat

immerse soul and heart

take it to another level

and play a part

to love like rebels

© Katya J. Castañeda